Jokes Daily

A pious man who had reached

2008-12-15T01:46:00.007-08:00

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi
went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How
come after all these years we don't see you at services
anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to
take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about
me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus

2008-12-15T01:46:00.005-08:00

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of
a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to
the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is
hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you
would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus
driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he
has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the
block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If
you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As
she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you
have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies,
"Chutzpah."

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club

2008-12-15T01:46:00.003-08:00

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other
members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that
old man asleep
in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell
you some hunting
stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began,
"I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot
and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I
was so tired I had to
rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on
the tree, and fell
asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a
noise in the
bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen
jumped out of the
bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' I
tell you, I
just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame
you, I would have
shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his
head and said, "No,
no, not then, just now when I said
'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married

2008-12-15T01:46:00.001-08:00

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

A tiny but dignified old lady was among

2008-12-15T01:00:00.003-08:00

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

This 60 year old woman was walking

2008-12-15T01:00:00.001-08:00

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above

"You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

There was an old married couple

2008-12-15T00:53:00.003-08:00

There was an old married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the
smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for
air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one
in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him
to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband
wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily
function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the
fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts
out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until
one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed
potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the
turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she
placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into
her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and
tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several
hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass
trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs
bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her
husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she
asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God
and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking

2008-12-15T00:53:00.001-08:00

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

+------------------------------------------------------------------------
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".

The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."

The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."

You Can Never Really Go Back

2008-12-15T00:51:00.003-08:00

You Can Never Really Go Back
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the
breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
here at this breakfast
table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years
ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the
two stripped
to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you
now as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in
you oatmeal!"

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store

2008-12-15T00:51:00.001-08:00

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was
greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in
particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is
an occasional piece in the living room!"

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz

2008-12-15T00:50:00.001-08:00

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the veranda
of the old folks
home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa
Rabinowitz rocks forward in
his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"
Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa,
"Fuck you too!"
Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "Fuck you!" swinging
more forward
again.
Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "Fuck you again."
This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally Grandpa says, "You know
something,
Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."

Software Development Process

2008-12-15T00:49:00.003-08:00

Software Development Process

1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software (writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program

Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail

2008-12-15T00:49:00.001-08:00

Girlfriend Tech Support E-mail

I am currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear
that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode
and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find
the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it
works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Fishing 97
program, often trying to abort Fishing 97 with some sort of timing
incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but
I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After
months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough
cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token
Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it
uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were
supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus
anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I
very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI
probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked
okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my
system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that
automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and
communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal
of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure
language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there
is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware,
you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how
GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of
GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year
if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he
had to upgrade to Wife 1.0 which he describes as a huge resource hog.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of
the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came
bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation
module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife
1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do
anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I
told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try
to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete
MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0
won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

Any Ideas???

Pest-by-Modem

2008-12-15T00:48:00.007-08:00

Pest-by-Modem

Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:

*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like
IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show
that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for
anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to
explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").

*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO
THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO
USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
BEING HERE!!!!!!!

*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and
point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of
their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"
do it again. Continue until they go away.

*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it
won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression
program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail
responses like "Thanks."

*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them
names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.
Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take
bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.

*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that
he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway
Internet.

*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an
unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a
discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation
that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important
role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as
people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to
ignore you.

Diary of an AOL User

2008-12-15T00:48:00.005-08:00

Diary of an AOL User

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the
best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better
hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.
I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think
I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't
fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next
door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online
for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's
just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these
services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the
modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they
didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a
modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when
you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought
the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured
it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this
internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America
Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared
to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but
nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS
LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD
AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE
OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD
KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I
HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!
I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I
WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I
WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT
A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN
THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it
to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I
can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid
next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's
laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let
him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why
the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty
stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they
used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new
signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to
read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story
I
like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

The Technologically Challenged

2008-12-15T00:48:00.003-08:00

The Technologically Challenged

Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
(5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
meant to remove Disk 1 first.

The Numbers of the Beast

2008-12-15T00:48:00.001-08:00

The Numbers of the Beast

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

660 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
6, uh... what was that number again?
- Number of the Blonde Beast
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised)
- Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

Millennia Year Application Software System

2008-12-15T00:47:00.001-08:00

Millennia Year Application Software System

This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the
program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
after MYASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS". This program has
already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
out of MYASS."

The husband finally wised up

2008-12-15T00:46:00.001-08:00

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in
less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the
scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like
manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday
next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.

Just wanted to check out that you

2008-12-15T00:45:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to check out that you gnarly dudes are using the latest and
greatest software technology fer yer rad code to make it easy for the
dudes who have to read it. The hip new way to write readable C
code involves the use of a few simple defines.

#define like {
#define man ;}
#define an ;
#define SayBro /*
#define CheckItOut */

SayBro like, this is some rad program, so CheckItOut

like
a = b
an
c = d
man

SayBro , like who needs help from them compiler choads anyway?
THIS is the way to write CLEAR code. I mean really! CheckItOut

like SayBro this is ShellSort straight out of the white book, but in
a readable form.

CheckItOut man

#define YoDude for(
#define OK )
#define is =
#define AND &&
#define as
#define Do
#define long
#define some
#define make
#define garbage
#define FAROUT

shell(v, n) SayBro sort v[0]...v[n-1] into increasing order CheckItOut
int v[], n;

like int gap, i, j, temp;

YoDude gap is n/2 an as long as gap > 0 Do some garbage an make gap /=2 OK
YoDude i is gap an as long as i < n Do some garbage an make i++ OK
YoDude j is i - gap an as long as j >= 0 AND v[j] > v[j+gap] Do some
garbage an make j -= gap OK
like
temp is v[j] an
v[j] is v[j+gap] an
v[j+gap] is temp
man
FAROUT man

SayBro like, B there OB square! CheckItOut

God and the Computer

2008-12-15T00:38:00.001-08:00

God and the Computer

In the beginning there was the computer. And God typed:

%>Let there be light!
#Please login.
%>login God
#Password?.
%>Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%>Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%>Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create light
#Done
%>Run heaven_and_earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters
which are under and above the firmament
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%>Create firmament
#Done.
%>Run firmament
#And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%>Create dry_land
#Done.
%>Run dry_land
#And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%>Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0
errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%>Create fish
#Done
%>Create fowl
#Done
%>Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
every winged fowl after its kind.
#And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%>Create cattle
#Done
%>Create creepy_things
#Done
%>Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%>Create man
#Done
%>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%>Insert breath
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%>Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%>Create Garden.edn
#Done
%>Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%>Copy woman from man
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%>Create desire
#Done
%>Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%>Create freewill
#Done
%>Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
%>Create good, evil
#Done
%>Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn. 1 errors.
%>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%>Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%>Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%>Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%>Break
%>Break
%>Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN
FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
%>Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
%>Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
%>Y
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
#MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

#MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM
#Please login.
%>login God
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION
#USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN
#SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
%>NEW
#PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM
%>God
#NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME
%>who is God
#God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE

#And NEW logged off

An old man and old woman got married

2008-12-14T22:49:00.001-08:00

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They
were in bed
getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said I
should tell you I have
acute angina The old man says I hope so, you sure don't have cute
tits.

Process-Oriented God

2008-12-14T22:11:00.001-08:00

Process-Oriented God

If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like
this:

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was
without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully
balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic
status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of
self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.

And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold,
the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that
process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.

And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage
in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic
differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third
day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought
the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.

And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision
functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The
committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives
to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that
it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
And so ended the fourth day.

And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and
strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural
sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that
this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional
renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.

On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment
and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able
to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day
and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and
seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human
beings.

On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its
recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were
nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee
passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the
guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should
have been created in the committee's image.

And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee . . .

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines

2008-12-14T21:43:00.001-08:00

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines,

and no Question Seems to be Too Basic

From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994.
Reprinted without permission

AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get
her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the
woman what happened when she pushed the power button.

"I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman
said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot
pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device
that helps to control the computer's operations.

[boring stuff deleted]

Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies
needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes
exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say
that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly
because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started
charging help-line users.

[boring stuff deleted]

John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura
would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked, 'What power switch?'"

Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have
called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."

Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the
mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.

Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says
a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his
old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with
the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,
roll it into the typewriter..."

At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that
she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer
arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at
Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the
customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.

The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell
customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
echnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
couple of geeks."

Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging
parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his
tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and
then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says
he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he
was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's
"bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on
the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who
once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic
fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the
man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.

There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it
happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell
every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk
him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling
uplifted by the process.

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office

2008-12-14T08:44:00.001-08:00

An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the
doctor, "Doctor, we want
to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's
possible, but I'll give
you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple
comes back a few
days later.They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was
afraid of this." The
old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left
hand. I tried it with my
right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her
right hand. She tried it with
her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the
lid off the jar."

Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch

2008-12-14T08:43:00.003-08:00

Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch:

You Decide

__________
| ______ |
________ | | | |
| ______ | 'But that isn't a fair | | | |
|| || comparison. People | |______| |
||______|| like the Etch-A-Sketch.' | |
| o o | | _ _ _ _ _|
|________| (|__________|\
| ________)_
Roger Earl [^] | |
roger_earl@outbound.wimsey.bc.ca [_] |__________|

After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison,
similar to the other great computer wars.

Etch-A-Sketch Mac Classic

No. of Colours 2 2
Resolution ~2000*~2000 512 * 342
No. of buttons 2 1
Preemptive Multitasking Yes No
Hardware line draw Yes No
Price < $20 ~ $1000
Power Consumption No Yes
Laptop Yes No
Slow Operating System No Yes
Non Volatile Memory Yes No
Choice of Coloured box Yes No
Robust design (shakeable) Yes No

After considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch.
For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that the
Etch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in fact
be faster than the true E-A-S.

A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench

2008-12-14T08:43:00.001-08:00

A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having
a little chat. "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin.
"I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled a
muscle and it's killing me."
"That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though."
"Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."

An old man goes to the doctor and says

2008-12-14T07:42:00.003-08:00

An old man goes to the doctor and says "Dr., I don't know what's wrong
with me. My dick is orange."
The Dr. tells him to pull down his pants and let him take a look. He
has no idea what is wrong so he asks the guy if he has recently painted
anything orange.
The old man said "No."
The Dr. thinks for a minute and then asks the guy if he has recently
been exposed to any chemicals at work.
The old man said "No, I'm retired."
The Dr. then asks the guy if he could have been working with any
chemicals in his garage.
The old man replied "No Dr., I told you, I'm retired. All I do is sit
around all day, watch pornos and eat Cheetos...

One night, an 87-year-old woman

2008-12-14T07:42:00.001-08:00

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

The Story of Micro and Mini

2008-12-14T06:37:00.001-08:00

The Story of Micro and Mini

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked his
Motorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), when
he noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in his
garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly," "I'll see if she'd
like an update tonight."

Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL and
a Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over
the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating
point processors and inquired "How are you Honey Well?." "Yes I am well," she
responded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console over
her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight," he
said, "How about computing a vector to my base address?" "I will cut out a byte
to eat, and maybe we could get an offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted OK. "I've
been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my
disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside. She
walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a
global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?."

They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and
a bucket of bawdots. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous
arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowlegments, although, in reality, he
was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He
finally settled on the old "would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?" but
Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating software. "Let's get Basic, you RAM," she said.
Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processor
of it's own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer (a hang-up that
Micro had consulted his analyst about). "Core," was all he could say, as she
prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when he went down on the DEC and opened her
device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root
device and was about to start pushing her CPU stack, when she attempted an
escape sequence ....

"No, No" she cried, "You are not shielded."

"Reset, Baby," he replied, "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes," she protested.

"Don't run away," he said, "I will generate an interrupt."

"No that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But Mini
soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,
whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers," She thought as she compiled herself, "All they ever think of is
HEX."

"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted

2008-12-14T06:34:00.001-08:00

"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his
birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."

"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long
suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."

An elderly couple in a senior's home

2008-12-14T06:32:00.001-08:00

An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room
everyday. While
there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's
penis. One day she goes
down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another
women holding his
penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a
large smile on his
face and replies "Parkinson's"

Less-Known Computer Languages

2008-12-14T06:18:00.001-08:00

Less-Known Computer Languages

Basic-Fortran-Cobol... These
programming languages are well
known and (more or less) well
loved throughout the computer
industry.

There are numerous other
languages however that are less
well known yet still have ardent
devotees. In fact these little
-known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers.

For those who wish to know more
about these obscure languages -
and why they are obscure - I
present the following catalog.

SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronym
for Sheer Idiot's Mono Purpose
Programming Lingusitic
Environment.

This language developed at the
Hanover College for Technological
Misfits was designed to make it
impossible to write code with
errors in it. The statements are
therefore confined to BEGIN-END-
and STOP. No matter how you
arrange the statements you can't
make a syntax error.

Programs written in SIMPLE do
nothing useful.Thus they achieve
the results of programs written
in other languages without the
tedious frustrating process of
testing and debugging.

SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best known
for the speed or lack of it of
its compiler. Although many
compilers allow you to take a
coffee break while they compile
SLOBOL compilers allow you to take
a trip to Bolivia to pick up the
coffee. Forty-three programmers
are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while
waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.
Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn
to a related (but infinitely
faster) language...COCAINE.

VALGOL ... (With special thanks to
Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau)
- From its modest beginnings in
southern California's San
Fernando Valley VALGOL is enjoying
a dramatic surge of popularity
across the industry.

VALGOL commands include REALLY-
LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variables
are assigned with the =LIKE and
=TOTALLY operators.Other operators
include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS"
FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of
code are handled in FOR-SURE loops.
Here is a sample VALGOL program

. 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START
. %% IF
. PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND
. 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
. 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX
. 4K (FERSURE)**2
. 18 THEN
. 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
. 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2)
. 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
. -17 SURE
. 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
. ? REALLY
. $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)

VALGOL is characterized by its
unfriendly error messages. For
example when the user makes a
syntax error the interpreter
displays the message GAG ME WITH
A SPOON!

LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL is
a derivative of LAIDBACK which
was developed at the (now defunct)
Marin County Center for T'ai Chi
Mellowness and Computer
Programming as an analternative to the
more intense atmosphere in nearby
silicon valley. The center was
ideal for programmers who liked to
soak in hot tubs while they
worked. Unfortunately few
programmers could survive there
for long since the center outlawed
pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
curd and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK
because its reputation as a
gentle and nonthreatening language.
For example LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message
SORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE ... Named after the late
existential philosopher.SARTRE is
an extremely unstructured
language. Statements in SARTRE have
no purpose they are just there.
Thus SARTRE programs are left to
define their own functions.
SARTRE programmers tend to be
boring and depressed and are no
fun at parties.

FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precision
mathematical language in which
the data types refer to quantity.
The data types range from CC-OUNCE
-SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH
(hence the name of the language)
LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO.
Commands refer to ingredients
such as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY-
CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCH
and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH
language reflect the sophistication
and financial status of its users.
Commands in the ELITE dialect
include VSOP and LAFITE while
commands in the GUTTER dialect
include HOOTCH and RIPPLE.
The latter is a favorite of
frustrated FORTH programmers who
end up using the language.

C-...This language was named
for the grade received by its
creater when he submitted it
as a class project in a
graduate programming class.

C- is best described as a
'Low Level' programming
language.

In fact the language
generally requires more C-
statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given
task. In this respect it
is very similar to COBOL.

LITHP ... This otherwise
unremarkable language is
distinguished by the absence
of an "s" in its character set.

Programmers and users must
substitute"TH". LITHP is said to
be useful in prothething lithtth.

DOGO ... Developed at the
Massachussettes Institute of
Obedience Training. DOGO heralds
a new era of computer literate
pets. DOGO commands include SIT
STAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. An
innovative feature of DOGO is
'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a small
cocker spaniel occasionally leaves
a deposit as he travels across
the screen.

Definition of Programmer

2008-12-14T06:01:00.003-08:00

Definition of Programmer

A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after
innumberable poundings, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with
micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures from inconclusive
documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious
reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding
a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information
in the first place.

God's Human DNA Code

2008-12-14T06:01:00.001-08:00

God's Human DNA Code

For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:

===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
*
* Human Genome
* Version 2.1
*
* (C) God
*/

/* Revision history:
*
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
* will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
* elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
* darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
* Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
* density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
* CD.
*/

/* Standard definitions
*/

#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian

/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
*
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features.
*/

#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"

#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif

/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
*/
#include

/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/
struct genitals
{
#ifdef MALE
Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
Vagina *p;
#endif
}

/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
*/
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
*
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth.
*
* Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
*/
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===

...and so on.

[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]

An old man goes into the Social Security Office

2008-12-14T06:00:00.001-08:00

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

The Latest Breaking News on the GoodTimes Virus

2008-12-14T05:57:00.001-08:00

The Latest Breaking News on the GoodTimes Virus

It turns out that this so-called hoax virus is very
dangerous after all. Goodtimes will re-write your hard
drive. Not only that, it will scramble any disks that are
even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes
melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use
subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to
play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all
your beer and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
company comes over. It will put a dead kitten in the back
pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when
you are late for work.

Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It
will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour
sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows
while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing
the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if
she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out
beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you
can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave
libidinous messages on your boss's voice mail in your voice!
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying
to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave
the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine
in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove
while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new
snowblower.

The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans

2008-12-14T05:55:00.001-08:00

The First E-mail Of Paul To The Romans

From: paul0426@tarsus.com (Paul, A Servant Of Jesus Christ)
To: allusers@rome.org
CC: s_peter@jol.com (Judaea Online)
Attachments: none
Subject: general teaching
Also posted to Usenet newsgroup alt.religion.heresy

Even using my off-line mail reader (Papyrus 6.2) the on-line and disk
space charges on my local dial-up Internet provider are outlandish,
so I'll have to keep this short. :)
IMHO, the wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the
godlessness of men. }:>
U, therefore, have no excuse to pass judgment. God will judge all.
BTW, Jews have no right to boast simply because of our ancestry.
Circumcision :( is meaningful only if it is inward -- otherwise,
BFD. Similarly, IBM owners have no right to boast simply because of
the customer support they receive. In Him we are neither IBM nor
Gateway, Tandy nor Compaq.
None of us is righteous. As King David wrote:

KD> There is no one righteous, not even one;
KD> There is no one who understands, no one who seeks
KD> God, no one who has not illegally copied his
KD> favorite game program for a friend.

But Abraham believed God, and so God credited it to him as *virtual*
righteousness.
But does this mean we should sin all we want? No way!
We must live through the spirit. The law kills O-|-< but the spirit
gives life. Offer yourselves as living sacrifices to God. Submit to
the authority of your sysop and your Usenet newsgroup moderator. Pay
for shareware if you decide to keep using it. And don't flame
somebody for making a spelling error or failing to read the FAQ list.
Nothing is unclean to God, but if something is going to cause your
fellow Christian to sin, delete it from your hard drive. Watch out
for those R- and X-rated .GIF files.
I'm hoping to visit Rome later this year; save me a space on the
couch. CUL8er. :)
XXX Papyrus 6.2 XXX Unregistered Test Drive Version XXX {RAH}

--------------
John Carney is a staff writer for the _Shelbyville_ (Tenn., USA)
_Times-Gazette_ and an occasional contributor to _The Door_, a
magazine of religious satire and commentary.

An old man and his wife went to the doctor

2008-12-14T05:49:00.001-08:00

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.
While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has
life been treating
you?" The old man replies,"The Lord's been good to me. Every night
when I go to the
bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the
light off."
While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor told her what her
husband said. She
replied, "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"

year old Timmy comes home from daycare

2008-12-10T20:48:00.001-08:00

year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks
his babysitter is gay.

"Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom.

Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"

An 8 year old boy walks home from school

2008-12-10T20:36:00.001-08:00

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
girls house. One
day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting
the girl. He holds up
the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game,
and only boys can have a
football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her
mother, "I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on
his bike. She holds up
the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his
bike and says, "Oh
yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
can't have one!" She
runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
his most private of
parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
one!!!". The next
day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which
she promptly pulls
up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me
that as long as I have
one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

There was a boy who worked in the produce

2008-12-10T20:35:00.003-08:00

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy
only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the
man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy
and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.

Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just
whores and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from
Minnesota!!"

The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?"

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching

2008-12-10T20:35:00.001-08:00

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells
her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to
rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to
the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls.
He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my
unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT
FUCKING TRACTOR!'"

A six year old comes crying

2008-12-10T20:28:00.001-08:00

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little
sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they

2008-12-10T01:27:00.001-08:00

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So
they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old
says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.
Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their
mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have
some Fruit Loops."
Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his
chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old
and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but
you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?

2008-12-10T01:24:00.001-08:00

What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?

Which one's Mommy?

A wish for Christmas

2008-12-10T01:18:00.005-08:00

A wish for Christmas

It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the
mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on
his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line
dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas
lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for
christmas". "I bet
you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose
with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy
responds"Nope".
So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again
touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little
boy again said"Nope".
Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to
himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I
bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching
the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of
the word. Where to the little responds"Nope".
Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little
boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"?
The little boy then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy,
P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any
because I can smell it on your finger"!

A young teenager comes home from

2008-12-10T01:18:00.003-08:00

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her
mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies
come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had
finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"

Mom took little johnny to the doctor

2008-12-10T01:18:00.001-08:00

Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's
that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned
sharp."

It was the first day of school

2008-12-09T22:53:00.007-08:00

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact
that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking
the roll, she was told
by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be
none of that kind of
thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No,
really teacher, it IS
Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask
my brother if you
don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
the teacher went
across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
entered the room and
directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"
replied a little kid
from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

A little girl was out with her Grandmother

2008-12-09T22:53:00.005-08:00

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
you everytime!"

The following is a "history" collected

2008-12-09T22:53:00.003-08:00

The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the
United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,
and you will learn a lot.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so
certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's
son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,
son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch
who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not
take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race
of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David's
sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They
also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also
wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took
the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the
mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the
Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius
Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his
troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by
Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
versus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died
a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him the
father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is
a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis
Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry
VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all
shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
Armadillo.

The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of his
plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kind
by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was
a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as
Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many
of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which
proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance

2008-12-09T22:53:00.001-08:00

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with
friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework,
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be
seen and the card players continued without any further
interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle,
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a
peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."

THE IRS LETTER...

2008-12-09T22:46:00.001-08:00

THE IRS LETTER...

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction.
This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!

It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
on an airplane.
Sincerly,

Little Johnny's is coming home from

2008-12-09T22:45:00.001-08:00

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf
of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that
you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the
other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

A little girl came running into the house

2008-12-09T22:07:00.001-08:00

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
cider."

As a little girl climbed onto

2008-12-09T22:03:00.001-08:00

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual,
"And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Little Johnny was in class again

2008-12-09T21:32:00.001-08:00

Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone
tell me a sentence
with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand."The sky is
definitely blue." "Thats
not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
Young Sally tried :"The
grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or
brown too!"
Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up."Miss Brown does a fart have
lumps?" The
teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny! What are you talking
about?" So Johnny
says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"

A little girl and a little boy

2008-12-09T21:31:00.001-08:00

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play
house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband."

DAYS

2008-11-27T03:06:00.005-08:00

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five
bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a
large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin
toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes
arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising
the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with
a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the
middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around
the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the
table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the
Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks
one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of
the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! "

So my sister, a natural blond graduating

2008-11-27T03:06:00.003-08:00

So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of
North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that
since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send
them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer

-- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life

2008-11-27T03:06:00.001-08:00

A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She
cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive.
She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would
change her life.

While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer
who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped
her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her
first good deed.

After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer,
"your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could
I have one."

The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.

"637", said the blonde.

The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact
number, but lived up to his bargain.

"I'll take that feisty one over there", said the blonde.

Then the farmer said to the blonde, "Okay, now if I guess the
real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?

Did you hear the one about the blonde

2008-11-27T02:41:00.001-08:00

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?

She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

The complaint letter from Judi

2008-11-27T02:40:00.005-08:00

The complaint letter from Judi:

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes
about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate
stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer
and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all
the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos
all about hairassment and he will be on are side.

We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop
this pursicushun.

We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much
as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't
get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we
will make up jokes about you and we will laff.

Sined by the blonds at the ofise
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

What is the difference between butter and a blonde

2008-11-27T02:40:00.003-08:00

Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.

A blonde and a brunette were talking

2008-11-27T02:40:00.001-08:00

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said
that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head
and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"

Blondes dumb?

2008-11-27T02:38:00.001-08:00

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth

2008-11-27T02:32:00.001-08:00

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

What did the blonde say when she saw

2008-11-27T02:27:00.003-08:00

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! they spelled MACY'S wrong.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team

2008-11-27T02:27:00.001-08:00

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor

2008-11-27T02:26:00.001-08:00

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical. The doctor
puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...'
The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'

What do you call a blonde with white eyes?

2008-11-27T02:07:00.001-08:00

What do you call a blonde with white eyes?

full up......

A young blonde woman is distraught

2008-11-27T02:05:00.005-08:00

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
next!"

Why don't Blondes make good cattle herders

2008-11-27T02:05:00.003-08:00

Why don't Blondes make good cattle herders.
Because they can never keep two calves together.

On a plane bound for New York the flight

2008-11-27T02:05:00.001-08:00

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm
not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her
to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm
not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told
her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Judi and a brunette were discussing

2008-11-27T02:04:00.005-08:00

Judi and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.

Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!

Judi: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.

Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.

Judi: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Whats a blonde's favorite surgery

2008-11-27T02:04:00.003-08:00

Whats a blonde's favorite surgery?

A Slipodictomy.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

2008-11-27T02:04:00.001-08:00

Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

A blond at a party was telling her friend

2008-11-27T01:57:00.001-08:00

A blond at a party was telling her friend that
she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat
and they're just no good. From now on when I want
sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"

"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend

"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

2008-11-25T12:27:00.003-08:00

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been
using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to
complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly
express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With
this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of
code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in
an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive
brethren.

Old Phrase New Phrase
1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2. Your fucking joking Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................
4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem
7. Eat shit and die You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you
10. He's a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today
14. What sort of fucker are you You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more
19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labour
20. Fuck off I'll look into that and get back to you

It had taken him several months

2008-11-25T12:27:00.001-08:00

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president
had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of
his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his
wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO

2008-11-25T12:26:00.009-08:00

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --
and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

A man comes home from work one day

2008-11-25T12:26:00.007-08:00

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his
wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what
happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these
are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not
a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was
your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and
white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it
really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man
asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office,
honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss
today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's
not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

A site foreman had ten very lazy men

2008-11-25T12:26:00.005-08:00

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one
day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a
change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,"
he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

Several weeks after a young man had been hired

2008-11-25T12:26:00.003-08:00

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called
into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of
this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you
told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this
is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said
you wanted somebody with imagination."

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve

2008-11-25T12:26:00.001-08:00

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered

2008-11-24T23:38:00.003-08:00

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want
to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the
money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job
pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How
can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

The drinker announced to the bartender

2008-11-24T23:38:00.001-08:00

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my
company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be
counseling the big bosses on relations with their
secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I
popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense
accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever
wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

As the end of the day drew near

2008-11-24T22:46:00.003-08:00

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive
called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you
know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody
knocks on the door."

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair

2008-11-24T22:46:00.001-08:00

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one
is blind and the other appears normal. A couple
of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He
sees the guys and decides to have compassion on
them.
He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his
sight is restored. He touches the man in the
wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away.
He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa,
God! I'm on workman's comp!'

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding

2008-11-24T22:42:00.001-08:00

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the
ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll
have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he
volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did
you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did
you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died
and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues,
"when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's
widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Jon starts working in a lumber camp

2008-11-24T22:41:00.001-08:00

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We
work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at
ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for
a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

There are thousands of sex phone lines

2008-11-24T22:40:00.001-08:00

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.
This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just
go to work.

When the formal private briefing of the attractive

2008-11-24T22:36:00.001-08:00

When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by
the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs
on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you,
Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this
school without submitting to the sexual advances of the
principal."

"Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?"

"I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated

2008-11-24T22:34:00.003-08:00

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than
it does today ??

We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

The strong young man at the construction site

2008-11-24T22:34:00.001-08:00

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After
several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.
Get in."

A man was interviewing for a sales representative

2008-11-24T22:33:00.003-08:00

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would
have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting
mannerism. He kept winking.
"Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references
and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the
time, it might put our customers off."
"No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of
it is to take a couple of aspirins."
So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to
see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty
varieties and every known brand of standard condom.
"Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking
stopped at once.
"Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be
womanising all over his territory."
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married."
"Then how do you account for all of these things?"
"Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask for
a packet of aspirins?"

When the staff goes out after work, they talk

2008-11-24T22:33:00.001-08:00

When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.
When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

A well respected Doctor

2008-10-07T09:31:00.001-07:00

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during
intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.
She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know
professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

Returning from her vacation

2008-10-07T09:29:00.001-07:00

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone
who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two
weeks leave in which to get married.

"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get
married then ?"

"What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.