A tiny but dignified old lady was among

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."

"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

This 60 year old woman was walking

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above

"You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

There was an old married couple

There was an old married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the
smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for
air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one
in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him
to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband
wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily
function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the
fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts
out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until
one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed
potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the
turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she
placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into
her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and
tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several
hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass
trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs
bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her
husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she
asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God
and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

+------------------------------------------------------------------------
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".

The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."

The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."