A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front
of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that
the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the
fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and
makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized,
and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?"
she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing
him there, decides to investigate.
"Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying
him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.
Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!'

How do you catch an elephant

How do you catch an elephant?

First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a
loadof peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes
to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

A double whammy

A double whammy:

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A Monkey eating cherries.

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was a
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh! If I go down three
inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down three
inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh!" he thought, "If that fly goes
down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose
himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper
lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh! If that fly goes down
three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly ...and that bear grabs for
that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,
"Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish ...and that hunter shoots that
bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can
have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs
the fish.. The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat falls
into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is....

Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Somewhere there's a pussy in trouble.

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to
top up a camel with water.
"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."
As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed
them over the camel's balls.
The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.
"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't
hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck
an elephant."
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees
above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started
to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting
the elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest
a few minutes.
The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races
and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the
horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you £10,000 for the horse."
Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why
wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his
life."

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's
your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My
name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She
goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My
name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles." She
turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your
names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The
dog replies "No, I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is
Puddles."

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night
of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

A Duck walks into a bar.

A Duck walks into a bar.

Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don't have any bread
[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don't have any bread
[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don't have any F*****g bread!
[Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I've got any
F*****g bread once more I'm gonna nail
your F*****g bill to this bar.
.....
............
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past
them.
One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was
moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes
and they were all on fire!"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to
visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well
groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep
him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a
dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and
disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes,
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for
you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel

A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and
playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree,
but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground. "That's strange," said the fox.
"Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree." "Listen,
bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you
were in love?"

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down
below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the
mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the
mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot.."
The eagle says "what do you want?"
The mouse asks how high up they are.
The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft."
The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??"

A man takes his sick dog to the vet

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog onto
the the operating table, looks down and says "Say ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
The man looks at the vet and says "The dog can't speak".
The vet says to the man "I was talking to YOU. The dog,s dead!!!

Two male flies are buzzing around

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good
looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a
pile of cow shit and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm,
"...but is this stool taken?"

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks.
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion.
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high
enough."

For all animal lovers out there

For all animal lovers out there:
How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.
and...
How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?
Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw...