The scene was Mount Olympus

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek
god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman
deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-
faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or
less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles;
Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her.
Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to
steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres
was held with a double-header.

Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a Breathalyzer

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk
to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk
way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for
years and years now!"

On a very cold night, a young man dropped

On a very cold night, a young man dropped into the local
brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of
the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate
the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But
it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and
fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over,
staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell
you that your sign fell down."

There was a drunk man walking

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning
his car keys back and forth.
A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?"
The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw
it, it was on the end of these keys."
The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?"
The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"

A somewhat drunk man

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says,
"Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,
"You know, you're right!"

A drunk leaves a bar and decides

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through
a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.
A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and
decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He,
too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but
the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting
there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get
out.
The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the
shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".
He did.

Two drunks walk into a bar

Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his

buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off

to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well

his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He finds

him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The

first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up

and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says

"Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"

There was a husband and his wife

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION
ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at
the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my
wife."

The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is
sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!
Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to
gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and
proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After he
finishes the disgusted bartender says "Why in the hell did you shit on my
bar?" The drunk replies "Even Elvis had to clear his throat!"

Sent by Paul

O'Connell was staggering home

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when
he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

A drunk staggered into a cemetery

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.
Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here", said the
one in the grave, "I'm cold". The other one looked over the edge and said,
"No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you".

Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife
told her husband.

"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over
here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.
She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls
around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The
drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of
vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
"No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.

DRINKING SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered

DRINKING SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent
light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

Drunk walks into elevator

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down,
lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,
and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich
Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.
"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?"
"Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian."
"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?"