Certificate of Upgrade to
Complete Asshole
Certificate of Upgrade
to
Complete Asshole
is awarded to
-------------------------------------------------------------
In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss
People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total
Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many
Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others
During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own
Mind.
To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole
Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction. If Anyone, For Any
Reason, Doubts Your Status,
JUST BE YOURSELF!
Effective Date _________________ Signed _____________________
Showing posts with label letters jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letters jokes. Show all posts
There is a new virus. The code name is WORK
There is a new virus. The code name is WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from
anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends
and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after
three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your
system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already
infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five
friends.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for
the bar anyway...it never hurts to be safe.
THANK GOODNESS I GOT THIS IN TIME!
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from
anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends
and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after
three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your
system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already
infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five
friends.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for
the bar anyway...it never hurts to be safe.
THANK GOODNESS I GOT THIS IN TIME!
Labels:
letters jokes
No $
No $
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Labels:
letters jokes
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering
I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice
holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along
my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my
grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They
look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried
Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a
good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over
again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of
my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used
to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the
frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about
sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the
black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering
I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice
holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along
my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my
grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They
look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the
freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried
Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a
good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over
again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would
have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of
my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating
off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used
to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the
frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about
sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive
family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling
grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the
black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom
Labels:
letters jokes
Frivolous Old Gal
Frivolous Old Gal
I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come
into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five
gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he
takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and
stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he
takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and
glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with
Al Zymer.
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time.
No matter where I am: in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the
basement, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?"
I have become a little older since I last saw you and a few changes have come
into my life. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five
gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go see John. Next, Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he
takes a lot of time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and
stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he
takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and
glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life! Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with
Al Zymer.
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I
should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time.
No matter where I am: in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the
basement, I ask myself, now what am I hereafter?"
Labels:
letters jokes
Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love
Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love
Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and
after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.
(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim
sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and
she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have
the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope
you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.
All My Love,
Jimmy
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the
latest style - folded down with the fur showing.
Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and
after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department
store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.
(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim
sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note.
Dearest Darling,
This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas.
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears
the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but
the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and
she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time.
No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have
the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope
you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night.
All My Love,
Jimmy
P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the
latest style - folded down with the fur showing.
Labels:
letters jokes
A Letter from Account Receivables
A Letter from Account Receivables
DATE
COMPANY
ADDRESS
CITY, STATE, ZIP
Attention: _____________________
Dear ____________________,
Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations! We are
still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month
ago. I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was
due over a year ago. Get real. If they haven't paid you yet they are
probably not going to. That is not our problem.
Girl, you are going to go to jail if you don't pay for this check. We are
not willing to wait any longer for our money. If I had my way, we wouldn't
sell you any product at all. You are not a good risk. We put you on open
account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we put you on COD only and
now are sitting on a check you wrote when you knew damn good and well that
it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on. And I love how you got your
husband involved. When I made the first phone call, he acted incredulous
that the check wasn't any good. He had me going!
The prosecutor of our county will be contacting you. She is really good at
collecting. Kelly's her name and collecting is her game!
One other point, we will only accept a credit card payment for any
purchases you make with us from now on. We will let the credit card
company charge you 20+% for as long as it takes for you to pay them.
Again, not our problem.
Yours truly,
Accounts Receivables
DATE
COMPANY
ADDRESS
CITY, STATE, ZIP
Attention: _____________________
Dear ____________________,
Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations! We are
still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month
ago. I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was
due over a year ago. Get real. If they haven't paid you yet they are
probably not going to. That is not our problem.
Girl, you are going to go to jail if you don't pay for this check. We are
not willing to wait any longer for our money. If I had my way, we wouldn't
sell you any product at all. You are not a good risk. We put you on open
account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we put you on COD only and
now are sitting on a check you wrote when you knew damn good and well that
it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on. And I love how you got your
husband involved. When I made the first phone call, he acted incredulous
that the check wasn't any good. He had me going!
The prosecutor of our county will be contacting you. She is really good at
collecting. Kelly's her name and collecting is her game!
One other point, we will only accept a credit card payment for any
purchases you make with us from now on. We will let the credit card
company charge you 20+% for as long as it takes for you to pay them.
Again, not our problem.
Yours truly,
Accounts Receivables
Labels:
letters jokes
Playgirl Rejection Letter
Playgirl Rejection Letter
November 30, 1995
PLAYGIRL, INC.
Dear Mrs. Smith,
We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.
We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:
When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.
To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn't
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.
The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!"
The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!"
We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely
obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in
John's case.
Yours truly,
Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.
November 30, 1995
PLAYGIRL, INC.
Dear Mrs. Smith,
We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl's "Man of the Month" centerfold would have been a truly
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.
We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:
When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.
To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn't
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.
The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said "We'll retain our widowed status!"
The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said "We can't perform miracles!"
We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely
obliterate what we refer to as "the item of interest" as it would in
John's case.
Yours truly,
Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.
Labels:
letters jokes
Oprectomy
Oprectomy
KENMORE HOSPITAL
61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.
BOSTON, MA. 02115
DATE:____________
NAME:
ADDRESS:
Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for
_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this
extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects
your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty
outlook on life.
Sincerely,
J. Grabber, M.D.
Kenmore Hospital
KENMORE HOSPITAL
61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.
BOSTON, MA. 02115
DATE:____________
NAME:
ADDRESS:
Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for
_______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this
extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects
your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty
outlook on life.
Sincerely,
J. Grabber, M.D.
Kenmore Hospital
Labels:
letters jokes
Condom Modelling Rejection
Condom Modelling Rejection
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269
Dear John Doe,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model
and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.
Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors
feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray
a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled
condom is NOT considered romantic.
We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a
bicycle grip.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your
application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a
market for micro-mini condoms.
We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.
Yours very truly,
Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
VD/abc
P.S. Remember our slogans:
Cover your stump before you hump.
Don't be silly, protect your Willie.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269
Dear John Doe,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model
and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.
Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors
feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray
a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled
condom is NOT considered romantic.
We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a
bicycle grip.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your
application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a
market for micro-mini condoms.
We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.
Yours very truly,
Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
VD/abc
P.S. Remember our slogans:
Cover your stump before you hump.
Don't be silly, protect your Willie.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
Labels:
letters jokes
Special High Intensity Teaching
Special High Intensity Teaching
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well
taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any
other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.
on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled
at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they
graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of
S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course
emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
From students, it will be our policy to keep all students well
taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any
other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.
on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed
at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled
at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they
graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of
S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course
emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Labels:
letters jokes
THE IRS LETTER
THE IRS LETTER...
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
on an airplane.
Sincerly,
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
on an airplane.
Sincerly,
Labels:
letters jokes
Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme
Finally, a worthy pyramid scheme! Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates...
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget
some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of
your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will
receive 823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:
* 0.5 Miss Worlds,
* 2.5 supermodels,
* 463 wild nymphos,
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,
* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and
tastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, your
original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent
her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial
expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since
he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to
whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has
already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No
expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only
interest women) just so that you can bonk her.
No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like
marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton, (don't forget
some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of
your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will
receive 823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, there will be at least:
* 0.5 Miss Worlds,
* 2.5 supermodels,
* 463 wild nymphos,
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos,
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms,
* and 40,198 bi-sexual women.
In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and
tastier than the miserable old cow you posted off. And, best of all, your
original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER!!!
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his
friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent
her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial
expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since
he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to
whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has
already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL!!!
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No
expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only
interest women) just so that you can bonk her.
No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like
marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate ... send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even if you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
Labels:
letters jokes
Save the Yeasts
Save the Yeasts
EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED.
Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."
+------------------------------------+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+------------------------------------+
============================================================================
SPONSORED BY
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
============================================================================
Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.
EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED.
Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."
+------------------------------------+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+------------------------------------+
============================================================================
SPONSORED BY
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
============================================================================
Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.
Labels:
letters jokes
POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS
POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere
summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,
with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,
but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures
whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and
without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,
religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform and
operating system of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
1. The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
2. It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.
3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for her/himself or others.
4. It is void where prohibited by law, and
5. It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual application
of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer:
The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season.
Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this
particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse the
use of the color blue.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere
summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,
with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,
but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures
whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and
without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability,
religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform and
operating system of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
1. The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
2. It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.
3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for her/himself or others.
4. It is void where prohibited by law, and
5. It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual application
of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer:
The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season.
Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this
particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse the
use of the color blue.
Labels:
letters jokes
Retire Aged Personell Early
Retire Aged Personell Early
TO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES
FROM GOVERNING BORED
DATE 22 APR 1986
1. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must
drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,
thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger
employees who represent our future.
2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the
end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed
into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE
(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be
given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at
greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is
called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply
for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will
be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only
be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as
many times as management deems appropriate.
4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements,
he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired
Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan
since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by
management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate
Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,
one should only request this service once.
5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects by
signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been
the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given
our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the
country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is
especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you
can stand.
6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only
upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given
raises and exempt status from the above programs.
Yu Bien Haad
MCCCD GOVERNING BORED
P.S. We in upper management would like to once again applaud
the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study;
heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report!
TO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES
FROM GOVERNING BORED
DATE 22 APR 1986
1. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must
drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,
thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger
employees who represent our future.
2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the
end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed
into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE
(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be
given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at
greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is
called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply
for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will
be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only
be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as
many times as management deems appropriate.
4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements,
he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired
Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan
since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by
management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate
Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,
one should only request this service once.
5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects by
signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been
the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given
our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the
country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough
SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is
especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you
can stand.
6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only
upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given
raises and exempt status from the above programs.
Yu Bien Haad
MCCCD GOVERNING BORED
P.S. We in upper management would like to once again applaud
the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study;
heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report!
Labels:
letters jokes
Rejection Letter Reject
Rejection Letter Reject
Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling
up? Well here's a suggestion:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Date Today]
Dear Mr. Kennelly:
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.
Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your name here]
Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling
up? Well here's a suggestion:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
[Date Today]
Dear Mr. Kennelly:
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.
Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your name here]
Labels:
letters jokes
Tooth Fairy Form Letter
Tooth Fairy Form Letter
Dear ____________:
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was
guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
Dear ____________:
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of
lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odour
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
(x) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth
fairy
( ) you were age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth (x) the tooth was
guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
(x) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or
were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other:
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following
certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near
you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in
the future.
Sincerely,
The Tooth Fairy
Labels:
letters jokes
Department of the Treasury
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.
To: All Male Taxpayers
RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
Form 1040 - P
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is
due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time
it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according
to size. To determine your category, please consult
the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line
3, on the Standard Form 1040.
10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00
Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please
do not ask for an extension!!!!!!
Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Peter Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.
To: All Male Taxpayers
RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
Form 1040 - P
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is
due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time
it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according
to size. To determine your category, please consult
the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line
3, on the Standard Form 1040.
10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00
Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please
do not ask for an extension!!!!!!
Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Peter Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Labels:
letters jokes
What to Do With All Those "Free" Soaps When Travelling
What to Do With All Those "Free" Soaps When Travelling
This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did
not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me
know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and
the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman
This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did
not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me
know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars
of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I
have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and
the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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