NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been
using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to
complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly
express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With
this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of
code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in
an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive
brethren.

Old Phrase New Phrase
1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2. Your fucking joking Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................
4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem
7. Eat shit and die You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you
10. He's a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today
14. What sort of fucker are you You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more
19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labour
20. Fuck off I'll look into that and get back to you

It had taken him several months

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president
had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of
his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his
wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and
presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up
against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --
and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

A man comes home from work one day

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his
wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what
happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these
are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not
a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was
your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and
white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it
really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man
asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office,
honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss
today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's
not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

A site foreman had ten very lazy men

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one
day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a
change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,"
he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

Several weeks after a young man had been hired

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called
into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of
this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you
told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this
is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said
you wanted somebody with imagination."

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started
himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want
to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the
money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job
pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How
can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

The drinker announced to the bartender

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my
company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be
counseling the big bosses on relations with their
secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I
popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense
accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever
wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

As the end of the day drew near

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive
called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you
know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody
knocks on the door."

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one
is blind and the other appears normal. A couple
of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He
sees the guys and decides to have compassion on
them.
He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his
sight is restored. He touches the man in the
wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away.
He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa,
God! I'm on workman's comp!'

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding.
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the
ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll
have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he
volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did
you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did
you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died
and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues,
"when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's
widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Jon starts working in a lumber camp

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We
work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at
ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for
a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

There are thousands of sex phone lines

There are thousands of sex phone lines for men but only a few for women.
This is because if a women wants someone to talk dirty to her she can just
go to work.

When the formal private briefing of the attractive

When the formal private briefing of the attractive new teacher by
the vice-principal was finished, the vice-principal took a few puffs
on his pipe and said, "I have an informal piece of advice for you,
Miss Bell. There's only one way you can get along in this
school without submitting to the sexual advances of the
principal."

"Oh my God! Well, er, what was is that?"

"I'll explain it, " he continued, "as soon as you've undressed."

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than
it does today ??

We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

The strong young man at the construction site

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After
several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to
wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right.
Get in."

A man was interviewing for a sales representative

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would
have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting
mannerism. He kept winking.
"Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references
and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the
time, it might put our customers off."
"No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of
it is to take a couple of aspirins."
So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to
see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty
varieties and every known brand of standard condom.
"Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking
stopped at once.
"Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be
womanising all over his territory."
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married."
"Then how do you account for all of these things?"
"Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask for
a packet of aspirins?"

When the staff goes out after work, they talk

When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football or basketball.
When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.
Top management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.

A well respected Doctor

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during
intermission. A blonde shimmied by that had to have had what there was of her evening gown spray painted on her curvy body.
She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know
professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"